So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
