I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Congratulations! We have a period
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