I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
