Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
