the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize