the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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