he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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