now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
