I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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