Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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