My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
