Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize