you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
