i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
