96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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