Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
