so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize