the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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