i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
