I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
Theyβre in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize