soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
