The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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