So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
