Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
