im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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