What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
