I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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