There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
