no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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