1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
