I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
