A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
