my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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