ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i dont even know how to be here
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
