I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
