never play flip cup with pint glasses
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
