I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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