FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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