the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There's even glitter on my cock...
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