we're chasing vodka with high fives
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
