Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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