I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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