one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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