Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
