If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Every concussion has its silver lining
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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