I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
