Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
