I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
