It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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