I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I think my moral compass just broke
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
