Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize