I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
