and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
