im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
