omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
