Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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