true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
