I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
