he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize