If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
